There I was standing in a crowd of parents waiting on our child’s name to be called. I stood there as my mind shifted back to hearing my name across the loudspeaker. I was wearing a black dress with tiny white daisies all over it. I stood and walked on stage, collecting my diploma and thinking I can’t wait till I’m grown up. Sitting back down I visualized myself in a pantsuit my hair in a sexy semi-messy ponytail and holding a briefcase. I knew I was going to be a leader in standing for the rights of women everywhere. So I’m assuming I was a lawyer or along the lines of someone in a high political position.
I hear her name. Loud and clear! I cheer, there she is my kind and powerful little girl taking her walk across the stage to collect her diploma and I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking at that moment. Is she imagining what her future looks like as I did when I walked at my ceremony?
When the music started I dropped back into my memories of elementary school and junior high. I realized at this point that for the first time in my life I wasn’t in tears about what was going on at home at that time in my life. I wasn’t dwelling on the bullying and or sexual abuse I was experiencing. I actually was remembering how excited I was when I thought about all the women I would be helping and the books I would be writing. There was no doubt in my mind that I would be successful. I would make a difference.
How do we lose this spark? Is there a certain part of our brains that hold these powerful beliefs that switch off at a certain part of puberty? OR are our child super powers stripped away by the way media celebrates tragedy and sexualizes every product. Diet culture is slapping us left and right screaming at us that we must satisfy the eyes and opinions of every single person that runs the modeling industry. Is it when we visit colleges on field trips and we become aware of the pressure of choosing a major that will be the one thing we get to do in our lives? I mean as children we use our imaginations and pretend to be anything we choose at any moment without the approval or applause of anyone. Is it because at some point an authority figure tells us its time to grow up and stop playing around, to take life seriously…
Maybe it’s the traumatic events that take place and disrupt the security even in our own bodies. Is it really the chemical imbalances that are the result of such events. Heartache and abandonment that some go through and we find ourselves alone leaving us to feel like we did something terrible and we aren’t worthy any longer of enjoying our lives?
Then there’s the one question that we are asked over and over again.
” What do you want to be when you grow up?”
After having done major shadow work and walking through my healing process for all the shit I’ve experienced in life this question still hits me and is hard to swallow..
Instead of answering this then with, A lawyer or doctor or teacher, I took this opportunity being in the space of this ceremony to re-ask myself this very question… and stripped away the doubt and fear and care about societies opinions. I envisioned myself standing on the stage and declaring into the mic ” I am kind, courageous and bold. I am someone who stands and speaks for those who don’t have a voice. I am strong and soft and I cry. I am empathetic and a leader. I am generous and loving. I see people for who they truly are and mirror their gifts back to them. I believe in magic and miracles and manifestation. I believe we create our reality and we can do anything. and this is all I ever want to be when I grow up.
When I opened my eyes all but a few minutes 3 or 4 at most had passed and my daughter was with her class ready to be presented as the culminating class of 2019. I was in tears and when we finally got to be side by side I took her hands and told her how proud I
was of her and how she was going to be an amazing person her whole life as she is now in this moment. Rather than asking her what she wanted to be when she grows up I simply told her to remember that she can do anything she desires, all she needed to do was be herself, who she is in every moment and she will find herself doing her hearts work and living a powerful life.
Take yourself back to a moment as a child, open your heart to the power of imagination and creation you once ran with. what did that feel like? What parts of that child are still in you? What parts would you love to return to? What’s in the way? I invite you to take a look and allow in what comes. There is magic there.
I am grateful to be a leader to others in how to return to themselves. To discover who they truly are. I am overjoyed to walk women through some of the hardest experiences of their lives that dimmed their light and create the life they truly desire being exactly who they authentically are.
If this resonates with you and or sparks a desire to go within I hope you do and know that I’m happy to support you.